A Conversation On Sensitivity // "Why Don't You Have Kids Yet?"

Social media has changed my life in a lot of ways and I don’t just mean career-wise. It’s given me a new perspective, understanding, and insight into certain areas of life that, until recently, I was completely ignorant about. Before my friend started discussing her pregnancy struggles on Instagram, I honestly believed fertility issues were rare. Like many people, I just assumed you get married, you have kids, and you live happily ever after. But apparently, that’s not always the case.

I was hesitant to write this post because these (please Gd) are not my own struggles, but the more time I spend on Instagram, the more exposed I become to other women’s pregnancy complications and the more I feel inclined to speak out. The statistics surrounding infertility are frightening, but what shocked me even more is how many of my friends admitted they are experiencing pregnancy difficulties first hand. What I once thought was an infrequent hardship has become a glaring issue taking place very close to home.

Last month, I reconnected with one of my childhood friends, Avigayil Schreiber, who not only let me in on her infertility battle, but told me how she is now speaking publicly about what she’s going through. I reached out to get her thoughts on sensitivity around pregnancy and here’s what she said: “People who I had nothing to do with would often ask me why I did not have kids yet after being married for 4 years. What they didn't realize was that my husband and I were nearly $60k deep in fertility treatments and there was still no baby to show. People think of family planning as something to talk about, especially couples who you have not seen in a while. They are not trying to be insensitive, rather they are often ignorant of what some couples endure to build a family. 1 in 8 couples struggles with conceiving and 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Chances are a couple is trying to have a baby and asking them about it in a laissez faire manner may really trigger intense emotions in them and remind them of all the stress currently in their life. If you don't know where a couple stands in their family planning, better to keep that topic of conversation off the table. Also, it is important to remember that some couples choose not to have children and they may not want to have that conversation with you. And they don't have to have that conversation with you. Allow people to keep their private lives as private or public as they choose." {Check out Avigayil’s new blog to read her story.}

I am heartbroken for these women and I can only pray I don’t face the same challenges, but even in this helpless situation, there is something we can all do -- promote sensitivity around the topic of pregnancy. I can’t even count how many curious souls have messaged me asking when my husband and I are planning to have kids or the more abrasive version of that question - “WHY don’t you have kids yet?” No one should be subjected to that line of questioning, especially a woman silently suffering from her inability to conceive.

While this topic has been on my mind for awhile now, I felt inspired to put it into words after reading my blogger friend Lena of @lenaxstyle’s story. After following each other on Instagram for awhile, Lena and I met for the first time just a couple months ago. She’s friendly, kind, and fun to hang around, but little did I know the hell she went through prior to becoming a blogger. After being initially diagnosed with last stage Sarcoma, she went through 3 major surgeries in 15 months to remove 5 rare tumors, which were not only stuck to each other, but to her vital organs as well. Due to their placement, all non-vital organs had to go, including her reproductive system. In the end, the tumors were non-cancerous, but doctors still don’t know exactly what they were and it’s a miracle she survived.

Lena is now healthy, happy, and childfree, but that does not make her less than any other woman. We spoke for a bit last night and I was appalled at some of the insensitive comments she’s received. People have accused her of not caring about orphans after she and her husband, who adore children, decided against adopting and others have asked her if she’s scared her husband will leave her for someone who can have kids. The mere fact that anyone thinks it is appropriate to berate a woman for not adopting or question the strength of her marriage is unacceptable. We must be better than that, and if this post inspires sensitivity in even one person, we can be.

xx Esther