Never in a million years did I think I would be here, but here we are. I have no doubt in my mind that this journey will give me PTSD for the rest of my life, but after telling my friend I would be starting IVF soon and being met with her response of, “That is so exciting! I’m so happy for you,” I know how important it is to share our stories publicly to spread awareness. For the record, IVF is not exciting. It is emotionally and physically painful, financially devastating, and comes with zero guarantee. Now where was I? 

After our failed IUI attempt, we made the very difficult decision to move forward with IVF. As much as I wanted to try IUI again, we had to be realistic and trust our doctors that it would take a complete miracle for it to work for us. Add the fact that it was painful for me, included bloodwork and a trigger shot, and came with a $1,200 price tag, it just wasn’t worth it. So we scheduled our IVF consultation. 

I’ll be sure to make another post covering the million and one questions we asked our doctor, but the consult lasted 30 minutes and my husband and I left confident with the treatment plan. My best advice here is to do as much research as possible before your consult. Going in, both my husband and I were very familiar with the IVF process, so our questions were able to be more detail oriented and less about the actual step by step. 

Due to Covid restrictions, we chose to have the meeting on Zoom so we could both be present. I was grateful we did because going to appointments alone has been torturous and having a support system there was vital since we received yet more devastating news during the call. Our doctor is very positive that IVF will be successful for us, but he does not expect us to finish the cycle with remaining embryos to freeze for future siblings. Obviously anything can change, but starting this process knowing that we may very well have to do this again for a second child at lower odds and for another $25,000+ is absolutely heartbreaking. And if we want a third kid… don’t even get me started. 

After the meeting, we knew we’d be moving quickly since without IVF coverage, there are no insurance hurdles, but I don’t think either of us were ready to start the following day. Aunt Flow arrived; however, so here we go... As with all fertility treatments, cycles start on the first day of your period, so I emailed my IVF coordinator right away and she had me scheduled for bloodwork on Cycle Day 3. Unfortunately, my needle phobia is still going strong, but I made it through and was cleared to start birth control that night for 10 days, the surprising first step of IVF. 

I spent the next week going over my protocol calendar, dealing with billing, ordering medications, watching injection training videos, filling out endless forms, and making some very difficult decisions with my husband regarding our future embryos. We were forced to create an embryo custody agreement in the case of divorce, as well as decide the fate of our little embabies if we both should die, just to name a couple. And when I thought my anxiety couldn’t get any worse, I got an email from my IVF coordinator that; unfortunately, I would have to come in for additional blood work since my recent appointment had been on a Sunday and their testing capabilities are limited over the weekend. My heart dropped. I know that in just one week’s time I’ll be living and breathing injections, morning and night, with blood tests every other day, but I thought I had at least moved past phase one and here I was repeating it. 

I went in for my repeat blood work today, always traumatic, but slightly easier because my husband got to join me this time for his own blood work since couples have to be cleared of all STDs before starting IVF. I was also required to send in a record of my last PAP smear. We weren’t allowed to be in the same room as each other due to Covid (someone please explain since we literally walked in together), but he fist bumped me as I passed the chair he was in and in that moment, I felt all the support in the world.

xx Esther

*These posts do not reflect my current situation as they were written in the moment.
Still waiting on our miracle, but sharing now to help others feel less alone.
For more recent updates, follow me on Instagram: @esthersanter